Here's a spoof on the Jerry Springer Show. I thought you might
appreciate it.

Crowd: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

Jerry: Today's guests are here because they can't agree on fundamental
philosophical principles. I'd like to welcome Todd to the show. Todd
enters from backstage.

Jerry: Hello, Todd.

Todd: Hi, Jerry.

Jerry: (reading from card) So, Todd, you're here to tell your girlfriend
something. What is it?

Todd: Well, Jerry, my girlfriend Ursula and I have been going out for
three years now. We did everything together. We were really inseparable.
But then she discovered post-Marxist political and literary theory, and
it's been nothing but fighting ever since.

Jerry: Why is that?

Todd: You see, Jerry, I'm a traditional Cartesian rationalist. I believe
that the individual self, the "I" or ego is the foundation of all
metaphysics. She, on the other hand, believes that the contemporary self
is a socially constructed, multi-faceted subjectivity reflecting the
political and economic realities of late capitalist consumerist

Crowd: Ooooohhhh!

Todd: I know! I know! Is that infantile, or what?

Jerry: So what do you want to tell her today?

Todd: I want to tell her that unless she ditches the post-modernism,
we're through. I just can't go on having a relationship with a woman who
doesn't believe I exist.

Jerry: Well, you're going to get your chance. Here's Ursula! Ursula
storms onstage and charges up to Todd.

Ursula: Patriarchal colonizer! She slaps him viciously. Todd leaps up,
but the security guys pull them apart before things can go any further.

Ursula: Don't listen to him! Logic is a male hysteria! Rationality
equals oppression and the silencing of marginalized voices!

Todd: The classical methodology of rational dialectic is our only road

to truth! Don't try to deny it!

Ursula: You and your dialectic! That's how it's been through our whole
relationship, Jerry. Mindless repetition of the post-Enlightenment
meta-narrative. "You have to start with radical doubt, Ursula."
"Post-structuralism is just classical sceptical thought re-cast in the
language of semiotics, Ursula."

Crowd: Booo! Booo!

Jerry: Well, Ursula, come on. Don't you agree that the roots of
contemporary neo-Leftism simply have to be sought in Enlightenment
political philosophy?

Ursula: History is the discourse of powerful centrally located voices
marginalizing and de-scribing the sub-altern!

Todd:: See what I have to put up with? Do you know what it's like living
with someone who sees sex as a metaphoric demonstration of the
anti-feminist violence implicit in the discourse of the dominant power
structure? It's terrible. She just lies there and thinks of Andrea
Dworkin. That's why we never do it any more.

Crowd: Wooooo!

Ursula: You liar! Why don't you tell them how you haven't been able to
get it up for the past three months because you couldn't decide if your

penis truly had essential Being, or was simply a manifestation of Mind?

Todd: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Ursula: It's true!

Jerry: Well, I don't think we're going to solve this one right away. Our
next guests are Louis and Tina. And Tina has a little confession to
make! Louis and Tina come onstage. Todd and Ursula continue bickering
in the background.

Jerry: Tina, you are... (reads cards) ... an existentialist, is that

Tina: That's right, Jerry. And Louis is, too.

Jerry: And what did you want to tell Louis today?

Tina: Jerry, today I want to tell him...

Jerry: Talk to Louis. Talk to him. Crowd hushes.

Tina: Louis... I've loved you for a long time...

Louis: I love you, too, Tina.

Tina: Louis, you know I agree with you that existence precedes essence,
but ...well, I just want to tell you I've been reading Nietzsche lately,
and I don't think I can agree with your egalitarian politics any more.

Crowd: Wooooo! Woooooo!

Louis: (shocked and disbelieving) Tina, this is crazy. You know that
Sartre clarified all this way back in the 40's.

Tina: But he didn't take into account Nietzsche's radical critique of
democratic morality, Louis. I'm sorry. I can't ignore the contradiction
any longer!

Louis: You got these ideas from Victor, didn't you? Didn't you?

Tina: Don't you bring up Victor! I only turned to him when I saw you
were seeing that dominatrix! I needed a real man! An Uber-man!

Louis: (sobbing) I couldn't help it. It was my burden of freedom. It was
too much!

Jerry: We've got someone here who might have something to add. Bring
out...Victor! Victor enters. He walks up to Louis and sticks a finger
in his face.

Victor: Louis, you're a classic post-Christian intellectual. Weak to the

Louis: (through tears) You can kiss my Marxist ass, Reactionary Boy!

Victor: Herd animal!

Louis: Lackey! Louis throws a chair at Victor; they lock horns and
wrestle. The crowd goes wild. After a long struggle, the security guys
pry them apart.

Jerry: Okay, okay. It's time for questions from the audience. Go ahead,
sir. Audience

member: Okay, this is for Tina. Tina, I just wanna know how you can call
yourself an existentialist, and still agree with Nietzsche's doctrine of
the Ubermensch. Doesn't that imply a belief in intrinsic essences that
is in direct contradiction with with the fundamental priniciples of

Tina: No! No! It doesn't. We can be equal in potential, without being
equal in eventual personal quality. It's a question of Becoming, not
Being. Audience

member: That's just disguised essentialism! You're no existentialist!

Tina: I am so! Audience

member: You're no existentialist!

Tina: I am so an existentialist, bitch! Ursula stands and interjects.

Ursula: What does it [bleep] matter? Existentialism is just a cover for
late capitalist anti-feminism! Look at how Sartre treated Simone de
Beauvoir! Women in the crowd cheer and stomp.

Tina: [Bleep] you! Fat-ass Foucaultian ho!

Ursula: You only wish you were smart enough to understand Foucault,

Tina: You the bitch!

Ursula: No, you the bitch!

Tina: Whatever! Whatever!

Jerry: We'll be right back with a final thought! Stay with us!
Commercial break for debt-consolidation loans, ITT Technical Institute,
and Psychic Alliance Hotline.

Jerry: Hi! Welcome back. I just want to thank all our guests for being
here, and say that I hope you're able to work through your differences
and find happiness, if indeed happiness can be extracted from the dismal
miasma of warring primal hormonal impulses we call human relationship.
(turns to the camera) Well, we all think philosophy is just fun and
games. Semiotics, deconstruction, Lacanian post-Freudian psychoanalysis,
it all seems like good, clean fun. But when the heart gets involved, all
our painfully acquired metaphysical insights go right out the window,
and we're reduced to battling it out like rutting chimpanzees. It's not
pretty. If you're in a relationship, and differences over the
fundamental principles of your respective subjectivities are making
things difficult, maybe it's time to move on. Find someone new, someone
who will accept you and the way your laughably limited human
intelligence chooses to codify and rationalize the chaos of existence.
After all, in the absence of a clear, unquestionable revelation from
God, that's all we're all doing anyway. So

remember: take care of yourselves -- and each other.

Announcer: Be sure to tune in next time, when KKK strippers battle it
out with transvestite omnisexual porn stars! Tomorrow on Springer!

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